IT’S AN HONOR TO BE HERE

               As many of you may already know, I turned 31 this week. To say this has been a tough year would be an understatement. For many, this year tested our every fiber. As much as the panic, the pain, the uncertainty, & the confusion affected me, I choose to look at the positives this year has brought me. Not because I’m not aware of the hurt, the loss, the injustices that this year showed us, but because succumbing to the negatives means getting stuck in a place I just don’t think any of us deserve to be in. We made it y’all. We are here, able, living, breathing, triumphant, & we should never ever take that for granted again.

        The one thing this 2020 & Corona Virus have taught me is to always count on life changing. Today everything can seem certain & correct, & beautiful, & structured, & tomorrow the world CAN & WILL throw a wrench in all your plans, goals, & dreams & act like it never even knew who you were. I spent a lot of time in the beginning of the summer contemplating how much I missed the “old us”. At the beginning of this whole mess, I truly couldn’t fathom a world where human interaction had been put at a stand still. Now I’ve learned to love life more; To take nothing for granted. This year taught us who we truly are when all the distractions & illusions are gone & how resilient we as a species can be. Our efforts to see each other changed from in person coffee dates to hangs via zoom, deeper messages via instagram, cute deliveries to brighten each others day, & lots & lots bread baking & gifting. Our days had become lonelier, but our minds became infinite world of possibilities for ourselves. We read books, watched old movies, treated ourselves to food, came up with new routines, planned out new work out regimens, valued those who called us more, shared our stories through so many different avenues, & gained a new found confidence in ourselves. 

      I never thought I’d find myself here. Feeling so happy about the uncertainty of tomorrow, but grateful for the opportunity to dream. I’ve always been such a planner. Defendant on knowing what tomorrow had in store. I used to think some people had it all figured out. The right jobs. The best clothes. The utmost confidence. This pandemic showed me no matter where you are, NOTHING is permanent, & the most important part is to look within. As I sit here & sip my iced latte, I cherish every drop. I look around at the small group in this coffee shop & I’m honored to get a little nod from a stranger, to make eye contact with a new friend, to sit by as others create, plan, learn grow. We’re distant, but not really anymore. We all went through it. We have all changed immensely.  I am honored to exist, as we lost so many this year to something out of our control. I am honored to get to hug my mom, & see my nieces, & even let myself complain a little, knowing as soon as I do how silly it is, for I am still here. It is all an honor now. A gift from a random universe that prepares us for nothing & everything all at once. 

When I think of my 31 years of life, I couldn’t ask for a better way to spend it. Surrounded by amazing people & showered by messages of those I cannot see. This year taught me to be grateful for myself. Maybe I needed all this to remind me that I am so capable. The only person who ever doubted me is ME. This year taught me to be grateful for the person who sees a million possibilities in tomorrow & doesn’t become fearful. I am ready to take on the day, each & everyday, knowing nothing is for certain, except my ability to feel.  I am grateful to know who I really am & what I know I am capable of, for this crazy journey I’m on, & for the ability to love life despite its whirlwind nature. I am grateful for the lessons, the pain, the hurt, the exhaustion, the tears, the new beginnings, & the truly difficult endings. They have shown me what is real. What is valuable. What it is to truly love the life you live & truly be ok with all of lives inevitable changes.